Are You Too Old for a Mentor?

Did you know that January is National Mentoring Month?

But when you go to the website, the focus is on finding a mentor for young people. Which is fine, and good, and important. But it once again leaves out the notion that other people, older people, might need to find a mentor too, or feel the need for one. Because it's not openly addressed, it can make admitting it, or even realizing it, that much harder. 

I know a lot of women, and men, in midlife who certainly don't feel like they've got it all figured out – much less the resources to be a mentor to others. The new economic, employment, and retirement landscape means almost no one has it all figured out.

It's not just what to do about your hair, skin and wardrobe that's causing consternation – that's the tip of the iceberg. Addressing these things can give you confidence and mastery to move to the next step.

You do have a wealth of experience and wisdom that we've gathered and gleaned over the years that's valuable to someone. But how do you move to the next step, or figure out what that next step is? Find a mentor!

I turned to Marianne Schnall, founder of Feminist.com, for her advice on how to find a mentor. Her response surprised me: She revealed that her team has been pondering an online mentoring network for some time. Sounds like a great idea to me! A sort of Match.com for mentors.

I have been very lucky in my life to have had a variety of 'mentors' whom I have learned from, including some very high-profile women. Oftentimes in my interviews with well-known women I've had the pleasure of speaking with, I will work in questions on life/work issues that I myself would actually like to know, such as, 'How do you create balance in your life?' or 'What is your attitude towards aging?'"

Marianne Schnall's experience can be translated to you: Don't be afraid to reach out to well-known people too. While they can't provide ongoing mentorship, many people enjoy getting letters from their admirers and are all too happy to impart pearls of wisdom. Check for websites to see if they invite you to contact them. You never know.

Marianne Schnall's book, Daring to be Ourselves, is full of insightful quotes from amazing women like Alice Walker, Madeleine Albright, Isabelle Allende, and more — their words of wisdom can serve as booster shots of mentorship when you need a dose of courage and camaraderie.

I also think you can have younger mentors — I know that there are a lot of very inspiring younger women who seem to have a lot of wisdom or a useful perspective whose opinions I value and often seek.

Carefully ponder the skills or advice you would most need and then think of women you admire that would be a good match in these areas. I think the most important thing is to keep your eyes and ears open for people in your life who you feel you can learn from, and then make sure to reach out."

Schnall touches on an important point – a mentor doesn't always have to be older than you. But it should be someone you respect; if it's someone you have disdain for, it will rarely work. The mentor/mentee situation is a sensitive one. Don't force it.

Author Gloria Feldt's No Excuses: 9 Ways Women Can Change How We Think About Power, is a mentoring manual 101 to embolden and empower you. So I asked Gloria her point of view on midlife mentors:

If other older women are like me, they're not so much embarrassed as at sea about how mentors could help them. We have no role models. We are the first generation of women to have been responsible for our financial security throughout most of our lives. We never thought we'd be trying—or needing—to craft new careers at 50, 60, and in today's economy, even 70.

I think that's why the life coaching business is booming. Everyone still needs a mentor—even if it's a peer mentor. But first we have to know what we want to be mentored for, how to identify a mentor who can help us get there, and what exactly to ask that mentor to do."

She's right. I saved an article in the Wall Street Journal as a reminder of precisely that: Lack of Coaching Hampers Female Executives - WSJ.com

Life coaching has become very popular in the last decade or so; perhaps it's just a more modern way of framing mentorship. I recently saw sizzling and stylish sisters Lauren Zander and Beth Weissenberger (co-founders of the Handel Group) speak about their life coaching philosophy and it was very inspiring.

What's the difference between going to a coach and going to a friend or group of friends, I asked them. Lauren jumped on the question:

A lot of women 45 and up have friends with the same community of issues," she explained.

So if you have a bad marriage or too much weight or hate your job, your friends will console and commiserate with you, but they won't necessarily help you take action. Lauren and Beth underscored the fact that

a leader knows exactly when they need help"

and that it's important to remember

you're not broken, just stuck."

They are very excited about their method and their success rate! Which got me excited too.

For their 5 steps to recognizing you need a life coach, check out Part II.

The New Year is a good time to tackle these issues as an ongoing concern. To start, I'm going to write to someone I'd love as a mentor (not telling who,… yet).  Do you want to try to find a mentor too?

More on mentors and changing your style:

Too Old For a Mentor - Part II
The Power of No-Excuses Style
Are You Burnt Out On New Year's Resolutions?
Hold Your Ground
No Makeup, No Job
I Can See Clearly Now
Boot Camp