Do We Need a Thicker Skin?

Pop quiz: What gets thinner first, our real skin or our metaphorical skin?  By that I mean the kind of skin people are referring to when they say "You need a thicker skin, honey."

My friend and I were joking about the unfairness of aging the other day: that if our bodies' skin is bound to get thinner, shouldn't age and experience toughen us up in other ways?

Julie Karen, MD, Clinical Assistant Professor of Dermatology at the NYU School of Medicine, explains the physical aspect this way: (More of her advice in How to Develop Thicker Skin)

As we age, changes within the skin lead to 'thinned skin'. The body's natural production of collagen slows, elastic tissue (which lends the skin structural support) gets broken down, and subcutaneous tissue is redistributed and reabsorbed.

It's a big topic. Which is why I'm tabling the "real skin' aspect till tomorrow. Even as it is, this is a long discussion.

Because why is it that we seem to be even more sensitive now. Certainly hormones play a part — especially if you're going through menopause. But another friend of mine whose on the other side of that said she wouldn't want to be dealing with all this communication onslaught in her 20s.

I think you still have the hubris of youth to protect you at that point, even sensitive souls; but without that, dealing with the daily slings and arrows seems to make skin wear ever thinner.

Eloise Watt, a former Shakespeare teacher now living abroad, framed it this way: "Many things are harder as one gets older. I can't imagine going back to certain obliviousness. So much of earlier life is about imitating the way one feels one should be, and to a certain extent that works. In many ways I'm more sensitive than ever too, but I think this is mostly seeing myself more clearly and being honest about the impact of things."

Why you need a thicker skin

Technology has changed the game. Even if you don't participate, many, if not most of your friends do. Some even take to blogging about it, like this site called The Middle Ages.

So naturally I turned to Deborah Siegel, PhD, former director of Special Projects at the National Counsel for Research on Women and now a founding partner and active participant on She Writes, a virtual community for women who write:

Technology gives us the illusion of proximity and intimacy, but in many ways I think we need to treat online interactions as what they are: just another way to connect…. It's easy to take it personally when no one comments on your blog post or re-tweets your tweet. Everything is heightened and accelerated through technology, not just response time but emotion and expectations too.

I think women may be particularly prone to misinterpreting a lack of response. We want so badly to be liked."

Ahh, yes, that ever-present desire to be liked.

So when someone doesn't answer your emails, "friends" you or doesn't, neglects to return a text or phone call, leaves you out of a gathering you can clearly see others attending — or bigger, your spouse connects with old flames online — you can be ever busy applying salve to all these techno bruises.

That's why Susan Shapiro Barash, author of numerous books including Toxic Friends: the Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships, agrees that technology has put us in a more precarious situation.

We always feel scrutinized, and judged. Based on my research, women especially are feeling more disenfranchised."

She also points out that we have to follow the "new etiquette which unfortunately doesn't exist yet." Aspects that exacerbate the problem are the lack of human connection to counterbalance our online interactions, and the fact that so many women of a certain age are widowed, divorced or never married, and so often feel "out there" all alone. Certain injuries might cut deeper than they normally would.

A consciousness of our physical frailties can make us feel more emotionally fragile as well," Barash adds.

How to toughen up

So can you get a "thicker skin" — and if so, how?

One woman sent out a wail for deeper connection on Twitter and the responses she got suggest she's not alone

Deborah Siegel says:

If you don't get the response you want, instead of thinking 'I'm a loser,' think 'How might I reframe it next time?' Or just move on."

Susan Shapiro Barash believes the key is to develop better boundaries. And "be aware enough of who you are and what makes you feel satisfied." If a friend is continually behaving callously, even unwittingly, you might need to rethink the connection. Yes, considering where you can compromise is part of it, she says, but don't sacrifice your own satisfaction. She also stresses connection, through balance.

Many of us have gotten into the habit of relying solely on technology for that connection. I have a very close friend for instance whom I haven't seen in well over a year, and we're not that far apart. But those connections like book clubs and other group activities are essential she says to feeling understood, Barash says, because

....our impulse is for connection. As we get older, women have to remember that we need our female friends more than ever."

I tested this on a recent road trip. I was upset about a number of email and phone communication where we simply seemed unable to communicate. So I had long conversation with two very good friendsand it indeed took this sting out of the slings…

The prowess of the power

One other concern I have though is when to have thick skin, and when not to.

I mean , if we toughen up to the point where we don't feel perceived slights, isn't there a danger of not feeling anything at all, including the things we do need to care about ?

I turned to Cindy Gallop, former ad exec and founder of If We Ran the World, a website that translates good intentions into micro actions. In her recent keynote speech at an Empowerment Conference at MIT, she outlined how to find power in unexpected places which included the "power of not caring" (about what others think).

But  she stressed to me that she prefers to sidestep the thicker skin terminology.

I meant not caring in a good way, " she says, "by giving yourself many and better options, so that you never get too attached to one outcome."

Gallop recommends this across the board:

•  In business: "Don't waste your time banging your head against closed doors; instead engineer yourself into a position where doors open automatically as you approach."
• In dating: "Date several people at a time. There will always be one you like more than the others, but when you know you have other options, you are relaxed, confident, feel good about yourself and as a result, attract and have a much better relationship with the one you really want."
• At work: "Bad situation at work? Identify your options - step up to the plate and proactively address it in different ways — look for other roles within the company, look for other jobs outside the company - that make you feel better about yourself and the situation you're in.

I am a huge believer in empathy and sensitivity towards others. Developing a thicker skin to protect yourself reduces your ability to be sensitive to others and to empathize and think about where they're coming from. I recommend giving yourself many more tactile options."

I feel better already. How about you?

Other ways to handle being less fragile:

Mean Girls No More

Are Mature Women Still Catty?

The Facebook Face-Off

Do You Miss Manners?

Can You Wear Kindness on Your Sleeve?