Wynonna Judd has a way of making the word mother sound like it has about 5,000 syllables.
"Mooothhhheeeerrr!" she cries over the phone lines. I'm on one line. Wy and Naomi are each on another line chatting with me from their farm houses.
The most successful mother-daughter duo in country music history is trying to give me spring fashion, hair and makeup tips.
Of course, there will be some country civilities before we get to Naomi Judd's patented theory on how to make your rump look smaller.
"Before we start, I want to say hello to my first born daughter because I didn't talk to her yesterday. How are you doing, poopsy whoopsy?" Naomi, 64, coos.
You can't even make stuff like this up.
HERE COME THE JUDDS
"The Judds," their new docu-series, debuts this Sunday at 9 p.m. ET on Oprah's network OWN. Frankly, they would much rather talk about the show. Or the years of therapy that have solidified the mama-babygirl bond.
Instead, they have some nosy, but persistent Style Goes Strong reporter asking how to spruce up for spring and it's just too delicious to ignore. It turns out these women have strong convictions on every topic including beauty.
Start with big country hair.
"Wait until you see my hair in one of the episodes," Wynonna, 46, tosses out.
"Is it a color that doesn't naturally occur in nature?" taunts her mama.
Frankly, she's not even my mother and I feel my own buttons being pushed. The good news is that Wynonna can certainly stand on her own.
"Moooothhhheeerrr! It has feathers in it," sniffs Wy. As for bad hairstyles of the past, she says words that have formed on the lips of daughters from Texas to Tunisia.
"Let's just not go there, mom," Wy says.
Ladies of all ages, feel free to try that one at home.
DON'T MESS WITH NAOMI
Mama Judd will go places that she hasn't even been asked to go yet…even for this column.
"Let's get right to it. Spanx, spanx, and more spanx. That's my biggest beauty tip," she insists.
Wynonna bides her time and then interrupts.
"Rhinestones always help," she says. "If you're not feeling that good about things then use a distraction. For instance, the other night on stage, a woman in the audience kept looking at my shoes, which had rhinestones on them. Use a distraction and they don't look at the rest of your body.
"If you're a size 12 and feel good about yourself in certain areas then accentuate them," she advises. "I love my feet and my hair. If I'm having a day where I don't think anything looks good on me then I'll just pop that feather in my hair and leave the house. That's what people enjoy about me. I'm not afraid to say, 'This is who I am and let's celebrate it.'
"I go big…and then I go home," Wynonna says.
MAMA, DON'T LET YOUR BABIES HAVE A UNI-BUTT
Naomi can't remain quiet much longer. "I want to give a shout out to aging mid-lifers," she insists. "But I also have some advice. Please, don't wear girdles. You'll get a uni-butt. One butt cheek. It's just not attractive."
Now that mama is talkin', we better listen.
"And please don't wear hose with open toe shoes. It's horrible," she cries. "My own mother would dress from head to toe in the same color and that's so old school, too."
In other words, make sure your two defined butt cheeks mix and match.
Naomi says that you don't have to break the bank to look gorgeous this season. In fact, there was a time when the Judds considered tomato soup out of the can to be a gourmet meal. "Years ago when we were trying to break into music, we were broke," Naomi says. "I'd go to the flea market and buy an old, beautiful, vintage cashmere sweater with lovely bead work. Then I'd just put a fresh flower in my hair.
"I love the '40s era of fashion," Naomi says. "You don't have to just follow the trends. Make up your own by buying vintage clothing. Everyone will want to know where you got it."
HAVE A SNIT OVER FIT
Wynonna says that fit counts most of all. "It's about spending time in a full length mirror," she says. "Fashion is really about figuring out the shape of your face and your body.
"I'd like to slap the person who said, 'One size fits all,'" she says. (One wonders if Wy could actually become our first female president someday.)
When it comes to finding a fresh spring makeup look, Wy says to go to the pros. "It's really helpful to find a professional makeup artist and pay them to show you what works on you. It's much cheaper than buying all these products that don't work," she says.
Naomi says that beautiful skin is key. "I know this is going to sound preposterous, but I know how to make pure, homemade soap. My aunts didn't have running water and they made homemade soap," Naomi says. "I know all the ladies can't do that, but the key is to buy simple, pure products for glowing skin."
NO MORE A-FUSSING AND A-FUEDING
Yes, there's nothing that says beauty like de-stressing over your major life relationships. Yes, there's some cantankerous behavior on the Judds new show, but yee-haw, it just wouldn't be fun without it.
On their new tour (which also includes a brand new CD out this April), there is what the Judds call their "Pow Wow" rules. "A person gets to finish a sentence," Naomi says. "The other rules are no yelling, no interrupting."
"No hair pulling. No wrestling," Wy jokes.
"No drama," Naomi says.
"If there's drama, go kick a tire on the tour bus," Wy says.
Cardio and therapy combined!
"Wy and I feel this tour and our new show has brought us closer. I don't tell you your hair is a weird color anymore," Naomi says.
At the heart of it all, the Judds are homebodies. They live on a zillion acre compound in Tennessee. As for fashion on the farm, well, it's not the stuff that will hit Vogue.
"I'm home alone in my big butt PJs reading about Wy in the magazines," Naomi shares.
On the farm, they repaired what needed some fixing.
"I've been in a healing recovery process since 2003. On the top of my most sacred list of priorities was healing my relationship with my mother. One of the greatest gifts you can give your family is healing," Wy says.
"In this series on our bus, my mom said to me, 'This is the closest I've ever felt to you,'" Wy says with a sigh.
"And there are other moments where you could tie two cattails together and throw us over a clothing line," Wy adds.
Is that a country version of a time out?
"The important thing to me is we can agree to disagree," Wy says. "We can walk away and I can think, 'This is crazy, but I know who you are and know you're not trying to sabotage me.
"It's not about being right," Wy adds. "It's about being loved."
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