Unlike the engaging plots of novels and TV dramas and sitcoms, most friendships don't end because of big blowups or betrayals. Rather two friends slowly drift apart, without fireworks or fanfare, because their lives have gone in different directions.
While it's comforting to think that our friendships will last forever (and, perhaps that's what allows for real intimacy to develop between friends) marriage; moves; divorce; career changes; financial, health and family problems; retirement, and other major life transitions can destabilize even long-time friendships.
Sometimes one person changes, other times it's both. Either scenario can precipitate the ratcheting down or phasing out of a once close friendship. And, of course, it always feels more painful if you're the one that is unceremoniously dumped or blind-sided.
These are some of the warning signs that suggest a friendship may be headed south so you can better prepare ahead and anticipate the loss:
1) It's hard to schedule time together.
Your friend always seems so busy that you have difficulties arranging a time to see her. Weeks and months pass by. She promises you'll have lunch together but you don't. Or you may have finally made plans and "something" comes up at the last minute. She bails out and doesn't offer the possibility of an alternate date.
2) There's less and less to say to one another
When you're together, it feels a bit awkward. Perhaps, it's because so much time has elapsed since you last saw one another but all your conversations are beginning to feel superficial. She seems less interested in what's going on in your life and looks glazed over when you talk. Frankly, you begin to wonder whether she was always this boring, too.
3) There's been an erosion of trust.
You don't feel like you can trust your friend with your most intimate feelings. You're not sure if she'll be judgmental and/or whether she can really keep a confidence. You hold back and she seems to be doing the same.
4) Misunderstandings become more frequent
You used to see things the same way and laugh at the same jokes. Now, the relationship is riddled with conflicts and misunderstandings. Everything feels more complicated than it once did.
5) You feel nervous and edgy with one another
You feel like you're on a state of high alert when you speak because your friend always seems ready to snap at you for saying or doing the wrong thing. She's also making underhanded comments and you aren't sure whether she is a friend or an ambivalent frenemy. It may even be visceral. You feel like you have a headache or queasy stomach just thinking of getting together.
Unlike marriages and divorces, whose beginnings and endings have legal and cultural rituals associated with them, it's hard to precisely define the beginning or the end of a friendship.
If you're experiencing any of the above, it may be time to re-negotiate the terms of the relationship – for example, to agree to see each other less often or to take a break from the relationship. Or else, it may simply be time to seek out new friendships to fill the gap when this one fizzles out.
Prior post on Life Goes Strong on making and keeping friendships: