Dilemma Number 462.
(Okay, it's a made-up number but you get the idea.)
You walk into a party and see a dear friend across the room with her back to you. Just as you start to call out her name, she turns to greet you and you hesitate.
It is her… isn't it? Well, yes. But, she's had work done. And it's bad.
"What is the New Etiquette on plastic surgery?" my 55-year-old friend Abby recently complained to me. Is there an age-old etiquette? I wondered.
"Am I supposed to say something? I can't say it looks good when it doesn't. Am I just supposed to pretend I don't notice?"
"Maybe she knows it looks bad and is uncomfortable and embarrassed," I offered.
"Well then, shouldn't she say something to let us both off the hook?" she wailed.
Her distress at grappling with the protocol in these circumstances is increasingly common. As more and more fillers hit the market (such as Dysport, the recently approved Botox competitor), and more and more doctors offer them, with varying degrees of expertise and experience, mishaps can happen.
Your adorable friend with lips like a Cupid's bow suddenly confronts you with a mouth like a platypus. You walk in to the office to find a look of perpetual surprise on your co-worker's face, but her eyebrows nearing her hairline is just an overabundance of Botox.
We've all been guilty of criticizing celebrities for their procedural overindulgences, but when it's a friend, that's another matter. Abby's concern was her love for her friend and finding the right thing to say so that no one's feelings were hurt, but she also wanted to dispel the tension.
"If she had a new shade of hair color that was more, or less, successful than her previous one, we'd discuss it," Abby pointed out. "They both wear off eventually. So why is this so much more uncomfortable?!"
Wendy Lewis, although not an etiquette expert per se, is our go-to guru for all things cosmetic surgery related. As creator of Wendy Lewis & Co Ltd, Global Aesthetics Consultancy, Lewis has spent over 25 years in the beauty and aesthetic medicine industries, advising both patients and doctors on best practices in the field. And she's heard this distress signal before. Her response as to what to say?
"Nothing."
Really?!
"If she doesn't bring it up," says Wendy, "it's because she doesn't want to talk about it."
As an illustration, she mentioned a lunch date with a friend, who'd suggested meeting in a dimly lit restaurant, explaining, "I've just had Fraxel and I'm really red."
Official etiquette expert Peggy Post agrees. The author, great granddaughter-in-law of Emily Post and primary spokesperson for The Emily Post Institute, says to focus on the person.
"If it's good, instead of saying 'did you have work done?' or 'you look so different,' simply say, 'You look great!'" Post says. "And let her take it from there. But if it's bad, I wouldn't say anything. Just be happy to see her."
As Lewis explains, the best situation is if the person who's had the work done "says something to deflect attention, otherwise you just have to deal with the fact that there's an elephant in the room." Might as well learn to ride it.
The topic of beauty enhancement is a rich mine, and minefield, and so will be an ongoing series in what to do and how to handle it.