Welcome to Divorce Land, Holiday Style
It appears the newest celebrity nearly-divorce couple – Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher – had an "awkward run in" at a restaurant recently.
Well, welcome to Divorce Land around the holidays, guys. 'Tis the season to run into your ex. I'm a relative new resident of Divorce Land. In fact, it's my first official holiday season as a member. I thought I'd share a few observations, tips and questions I'm noticing as I make my way through this new landscape.
1. Charity Begins at (Both) Homes: If you and your ex are not amicable, be the better person always but especially around the holidays. Kids are acutely aware of the family's fracture during holiday times and are particularly vulnerable. So are you, even if all you feel is blind rage. Don't badmouth your ex to the kids. A little silence goes a long way here.
2. Broken Family Holiday: If you and your ex are able, celebrate a bit as a family. Give your kids that sense of continuity even if it's more than a little weird. If it's hostile, forget it. But if you and your ex are amicable and determined to co-parent, it's a healthy way to share that with your kids.
3. We're Still Mom and Dad: If you can, still give some gifts from Mom and Dad. It reinforces that though your family is configured differently, it's still a family. My ex suggested we celebrate a "Broken-Family Thanksgiving" that was absolutely lovely. It turns out we're perfectly matched for divorce, so we enjoy being together and love co-parenting as a team. I know we're extremely lucky and rare. If you can pull it off, dig deep. It's the best holiday gift you can give your kids.
4. Gifts for Kids (Good Communication or Get Taken): Keep in touch about what you're buying for the kids. Beware of double dipping, guilt tripping and heart ripping.
5. Gift Guilt: Don't load up on gifts for the kids because you feel so guilty. If you're doing something worth feeling guilty about – CUT IT OUT. No Wii or iPod Touch 5 is going to make up for being a jerk. Don't be one. You are setting precedents here.
6. Keep it Jolly But Expect a Grinchy Moment or Two: Holidays dredge up ancient wounds – from your own childhoods all the way up to your divorce issues. Some divorce experts call them 'Flashbacks.' Just when you think you're moving ahead healthily, a holiday smacks you upside the head, sending you spinning back into the dark divorce times. This is inevitable. If you find yourself feeling homicidal or sobbing uncontrollably, ride it out. Do not engage with your ex or your kids in that state.
7. State of the Dis-Union: Don't use holidays to hash out childcare, money issues, custody disputes or anything else. If you're together, even briefly, during the holidays, keep it simple, keep it kind. Your kids are watching every move you make.
8. Silent Night Holy $#%*: Holidays tend to be times you find out stuff you may not have wanted to know – your ex is dating (because you found an expensive gift on the credit card you accidentally still share); or maybe your ex drives over in a splashy new car to pick up the kids; or now your ex in-laws are bad-mouthing you to the kids. Whatever unpleasant surprise it is, just breathe and do not take it out on the kids or bring it up in front of them.
9. Prepare to Be Surprised: You may be sadder than you thought you'd be, or more relieved; lonelier or more content. You have incredibly generous impulses toward your ex that surprise you both. He may do or say something so tender, so loving that it takes your breath away.
10. Give Yourself the Best Present Ever: Do whatever you and your kids need to get through it together. No matter what, you will stumble. You will say or do something you shouldn't have. You will have feelings you can't control. You will feel overwhelmed and you won't handle it with the utmost grace. You will be woefully, hopelessly, miraculously human. For that, give yourself the greatest gift: a break.
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