I'm 29. I'm 39. I'm 49 — 49 is the new 29.
There are many conflicting messages about age today — and about revealing what your "number" is.
Oprah made a splash in 2004 when she celebrated her 50th birthday with a big bash, both on her show and a weekend extravaganza at her ranch. And like so many other taboos she's busted, there were media messages galore: It's OK to be 50; 50 is something to be celebrated. And heralded from the rooftops.
A generation heaved an audible sigh of relief.
But what if you don't want to? What if you're still uncomfortable telling your age?
I learned a long time ago from my friend Carolin the secret of secret-keeping. When I asked how old her friend Marice was, she responded slowly, "She's 20," and then whispered, "but she's really 26."
Ah. The only way to keep a secret is to keep it to yourself.
Another discovery: People would rather be lied to than not told. Which I find odd. But when you tell them, "I'd rather not say," it drives them crazy. They cajole, reassure ("I won't tell anybody"), or try to trick you into telling ("I was in third grade when they landed on the moon, weren't you?"). It's so frustrating that you end up being bullied into lying to them, since they simply won't respect your choice not to say.
Performer's unions (Screen Actors Guild, Actors Equity, etc.) have a hard-and-fast rule — casting directors and other hiring powers-that-be are prohibited from asking an actor's age. But it is violated all the time.
I had a friend (male) who auditioned for the Broadway musical Miss Saigon. They loved him, but thought he was too young for the role. When his agent told them his actual age, they offered him the part.
It rarely works in your favor, though. But the larger point is, age is perception. If they perceived him as too young for the role, then he probably would have come across that way. They didn't trust their own opinions.
Martine J. Byer, L.C.S.W., a Manhattan psychotherapist, who also defers telling her age as it happens, says that people like to characterize you by your age. "It becomes a marker," she explains, "in a similar vein to nationality or ethnicity. Basically it allows them to pigeonhole you, which makes them feel safer."
Does anyone want to be pigeonholed? No. And are other numbers up for grabs as well? Hi, what's your weight today? While you're at it, might as well give 'em your social security number and taxpayer ID. How about your blood pressure?
An article on the website The Frisky waxes about why women shouldn't hide their age. "Oh, get over yourself! It doesn't matter what your age is!" emphasizes the writer, who is 26.
The fact of the matter is, for all our liberality about age these days, there's still a degree of ageism going on. According to online activist organization Care2, the unemployment statistics for people "55 and over has jumped 143 percent since the beginning of the recession."
Renowned astrologer Susan Miller would not reveal her age for a recent interview in The Observer, which is ironic since she has to ask people their birthdays for a living.
In truth, I think it has to do with a certain comfort level in your own life. My friend Sue Elliott, who just turned 60, says, "I would never dissemble about my age, it's a point of honor!"
For Paula Cooperman, of Mill Crest Vintage Boutique, it's not the number per se. She feels that in her business, she should be as ageless as her vintage collection. While 59 isn't old by today's standards, and it certainly adds experience to her credentials, she feels it's sometimes best not to spotlight the number. She prefers to focus on more important numbers, she says, like 1920 & 1950 — great numbers for vintage.
Playwright John Augustine, who just turned 50, agrees that it's a badge of honor and a sign of strength to admit it. But he also acknowledges that this trend is just starting. "Women should just bite the bullet."
But my friend Abby thinks it depends on whom you're talking to. She's always been pretty forthright about her age, but now that she's in a new job, she wants to be considered the "new guard." At a recent lunch with a colleague, she deflected the question by saying, "Well, my oldest son is 21, so what does that tell you?" and left it at that.
"I have become more reticent about revealing my age," says Carol Delgado, a career transtioner in her mid-50s."I feel a quick evaluation and judgement is a component of the question. I don't care to be either negatively evaluated, or praised for my age appearance — which is reduced to focusing on my face and counting wrinkles like tree rings, " she explains."I take into account who is asking the question and why — and that determines the openness of my response. If [it] doesn't 'feel' right, I throw down gauntlet!"
This makes sense to me. I went to a lecture when I was in my 20s (age ranges are fine) called "Your Age is None of Your Business." The speaker's point was that if you yourself are going to have limiting beliefs about what you can do, then just forget about the number.
Being the self-critical sort, I realized he was right. I was constantly finding reasons why I couldn't pursue certain goals: too fat, too broke, too old, too… whatever. Now I don't allow me to tell me what I can and can't do; why should I allow other people to do it?
We hear stories all the time of people who have defied the "odds" and did something outside everyone's perception level. He's 85 and he climbed Mount Everest!! Maybe 10 other 85-year-olds would have too, if they hadn't been told they were too old. Age is just another hurdle we put in our way (or others do). But life is tough enough. Can't we take away a few of the hurdles and pursue a more direct route to our goals?
I completely respect, and admire, anyone who feels comfortable sharing their age. I understand there's a bonding element to it too. But when, for Pete's sake, do we get to the age where we can make our own choice as to what personal statistics to reveal?
As Byer says, "None of this information means anything unless you know the person." Exactly. We want to be known, really known, for the substantive person we are, not a set of statistics.
So what's your verdict? Tell, or don't tell?