It's been sort of a slow dawning, but a pleasant one. Noticing the warmth of acquaintances who are becoming better friends. Or walking into a party and quickly being absorbed into the conversation with a group of women I've never met.
Maybe it's me, but women seem nicer lately. It occurred to me that maybe it's the of-a-certain-age thing. When you get to a certain stage in your life, even if you feel you're not "there yet," there's still a wealth of experience under your shapewear: kids, lost loves, career tumult, money stress, menopause. Maybe this new warmth and kindness I'm aware of is an acknowledgement of all that.
We don't have to look each other up and down the way 20-somethings do. Or if we do, it's more appreciatively. One woman will say to another, "great dress," or "where did you get that bag? I love it." Or there's just a subtle nod or slight smile in a parking lot or grocery line — "I know where you are; I'm there too."
I've always found the "mean girls" syndrome exhausting, and tended to stand in the corner when that was the prevailing dynamic in the room. According to an article in the New York Times called " The Myth of Mean Girls," the behavior is on the wane in schoolgirls as well. I certainly hope so.
But I thought I'd find an expert to discuss my observations about this age group, and discovered Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry author Susan Shapiro Barash. "I'm not here to depress you, but it's not that rosy," she says.
Barash is a professor of gender studies at Marymount Manhattan College and has explored the field extensively in 10 books (so far), covering multifaceted aspects of this topic. She feels that it really depends on the woman. "If you were jealous at 18, you're going to be that way at 58," she notes, adding that women who competed with each other over stuff such as boyfriends, will exhibit the same behavior when female friends are divorced or widowed and one starts dating again before another.
The reason? "It's culturally entrenched," she says. In this still-patriarchal society, "despite greater options for women in the last 40 years, we're still taught that there's not enough pie — not enough to go around," Barash explains.
She calls it Limited Goods Syndrome. A cynical feminist friend of mine insists that men foster this dynamic with glee — as long as we're squabbling with each other, we don't get very far. But Barash says our mothers teach us this as well.
And I have to admit, it's hard not to want to reciprocate when you're the recipient of this particular brand of female nastiness. How do we change that? "Until we admit that we feel this way about each other, it remains a dirty little secret," she states flatly.
She cites shows like Desperate Housewives as behavioral examples. I have to say, I've always gravitated toward Friends, or the friendships on Sex and the City, or even Grey's Anatomy, where you can apparently drop someone on their head or accidentally take out their spleen and still be friendly.
Perhaps my rosy outlook also comes from what I pay attention to, events like Women on the Edge of Evolution, Tina Brown's Women in the World summit, the Inspiring Women Summit, and the like, where women gather to try and be a force for good in the world. So, isn't there any good news, I whined.
Barash tells me one of the stories from her book, Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships, about high school rivals: one short, dumpy, dark curly-haired girl vs. two smooth, long-legged blonds. Years later, they all end up divorced and working in the same real estate office. The blonds have put on a little weight, and the dumpy girl has lost a little, wears heels and is a blond now too! And so they're all friends.
Yes! This is what I'm after. Age as the great leveler. Although… I think this is what Barash would term in her book a Mirroring friendship — as long as you're going through the same thing, you can be friends. Ultimately I'm hoping for something bigger and deeper than that.
There are women who start to "look at life differently," she agrees. "Their behavior has altered; [they realize] husbands leave, husbands die, and say 'I value the support of my female friends.'" In fact, my friend Kate thinks this claim about women is sexist. "There's no prevailing attitude that a man isn't ever really your friend and that men are catty and back biting," she notes. "There are just as many mean boys! They express their meanness differently," she says adamantly, citing the TV show Glee where the boys "throw nerds into a dumpster."
Barash considers the underlying longing. "Women really do want a support system," she says. "Focus on that desire and not on the competition."
OK. What I'm experiencing may be an anomaly, but I'm relishing it. And I hope if I focus on these anomalies, they will grow into the norm.
What about you? Is it the same old, same old for you? Or do you notice things changing too?