Form or function? It's a long-standing question – which generally leads to an argument among passionistas. I've argued that fashion is incredibly relevant both contemporarily and historically. And I love flash and panache as much as the next gal.
But when an opportunity for practicality is staring you in the face….and you don't take advantage of it…well, that's just stupid.
Some say it's age that's motivating this passion for the practical. Maybe. I did have a pair of gladiator sandals as a kid that buckled all the way up. I loved them. But overall I think the practical has usually prevailed.
Counting down the top 5:
5. Peep toe booties. Please. Boots are to keep your feet warm, shield them from rain and puddles, and dog doo, for Pete's sake. So a boot with no toe is ridiculous. And it looks ridiculous, like something out of Oliver Twist. Or like you had an unfortunate run-in with a meat cleaver that chopped off the tip of your shoe.
4. Menswear jackets with no breast pockets. The fact that menswear is in is great, but why can't women's jackets have breast pockets too? I'll tell you why: Because it might impede in some fashion (pun intended) the delicate breast area. What? Over the years, breasts have been pushed up, strapped down, squeezed together and stuffed into corsets. You really think a slim little pocket is going to cause major problems?
Don't worry, we're not going to put a makeup case in there and disrupt the line. We understand fashion — unlike the wallet in the back pocket of a man's pants (ahem!). But the opportunity to slip in a $20 or a credit card where it won't get lost is not too much to ask!
3. Bib necklaces cannot be worn as an actual bib. Bib necklaces are lovely, they can be bold, make a statement, and, a practical side: They hide chest lines and other unlovely aspects of a mature décolletage, while still allowing for an open neck.
But you cannot were them over, say, a crewneck top or dress, or with anything where the collar line is higher than the necklace. When the necklace hangs down below the collar line – then it just looks like a bejeweled bib and you might just get offered a pacifier to go with it. No.
2. Pre torn up jeans. Seriously? If you want to look like you've had some rugged activity, then do a rugged activity: garden, take a hike, clean the garage, something. And the pre-torn version usually cost more. Save yourself some green and take a scissor to a new pair if you feel that strongly about it.
1. Purses. OK, purses in themselves are wonderful things—we can't live without them (unless maybe we were given a breast pocket or two). Yes, I think 5-figure purses are crazy but it's up to you what you do with your money (for the record even 4-figure or 3-figure purses seem crazy too, but that just me). So this is a 3-parter:
- Purses with so much gunk you can't tell it's a purse. Buckles and bobs, clasps, studs, ropes, straps – enough! I just went to the shoe repair to have them take off a weird large twisted heart ornament thing hanging off my new ($30) bag because it makes noise, it wiggles, it serves no discernable purpose, and it's ugly.
- Clutches – Ugh! Nicky Silver said it better than I could in his play Food Chain:
... you can either get a dainty, little purse that you have to hold in your hand, in which case you live your whole life with only one hand available, giving the world a head start on beating you with, literally, one hand tied behind your back!!"
- Biggest Ugh of all: No outside pockets! Purses are to facilitate carrying things you can't seem to go anywhere without. So it would stand to reason that you would need to get to some of these essentials quickly – like keys, for instance. Or a cell phone, a lipstick, a credit card. Having to reach in and dig around in the cavernous abyss that is the inside of a purse is a huge time waster and often an exercise in futility. OUTSIDE pockets are essential.
I might be obsessed with pockets, but just think of all the extra stuff we have to carry around now: cell phone, bluetooth, earphones, iPod, iPad, Kindle, whatever... I don't have all that stuff but my kit keeps expanding. I fully expect the process of evolution to include slowly growing little hooks on our bodies to hang all this equipment on. We'll look like an electronic Christmas tree at BestBuy. Hey, maybe we won't even need clothes anymore.
OK, got a stupid fashion item to add to this list?
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