When I was a reporter for magazines like People and Us Weekly, I quickly learned how to decode celeb speak.
For instance, if a celebrity (through their publicist, of course) said they were exhausted, it meant they were addicted to painkillers. If they admitted they were addicted to pain killers, it meant they had a cocaine and alcohol problem. If they admitted to having a problem with cocaine and booze, it meant they were stone cold junkies—shooting heroin and smoking crack in a back alleyway. If a celebrity became known for shooting heroin and smoking crack, it was because they were dead. Their story became a cautionary tale for all young Hollywood, many who didn't yet have a problem with heroin or crack, but who were suddenly seeking treatment for exhaustion.
Earlier this week, reports surfaced that Demi Moore was seeking treatment for exhaustion issues. What this really means is that Demi's spin controllers think the public is moronic.
First of all, why in God's name would a celebrity ever be exhausted? They have handlers, housekeepers, maids, cooks, nannies, personal shoppers. They even have people who hold umbrellas for them—when it's not raining!
The exhaustion claim is annoying because it's an insult to people who cook their own meals, raise their own kids, work a few jobs and, to top it all off, must carry their own umbrellas. Talk to the single working mom with a few kids about exhaustion. Ask the dad holding down three jobs what it's like to be tired.
And why can't we normal folk go to these exhaustion treatment places? Does insurance cover it? What kind of claim do you file? I just need a good night's sleep away from the family for about a month or two. Where are these exhaustion clinics anyway? Why have I never seen one? Do only people like Demi and Heather and Britney have access to the keys? I imagine these places exist only in Malibu. One must walk barefoot down a mossy path until they come to a secret door behind a waterfall.
The major problem with celebrities and their publicists is that they really believe that they can throw this crap at the masses and we'll buy it.
"Just tell 'em I called 911 because I'm tired."
In other celebrity news this week, Seal and Heidi Klum announced they were divorcing. In their statement they said. "We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart."
I have no idea why Heidi and Seal are getting divorced. What does "grown apart" mean? "Seal's sound has become too bland, too urban contemporary for me. I now prefer the more edgy gangsta rap."
Usually "grown apart" means one of the two parties got caught cheating. Now, if Heidi and Seal thought there was any chance to salvage the relationship, "grown apart" would be replaced with "(name of cheater) has a problem and he/she is seeking help." Then said cheater would head to a "sex addiction" clinic.
By the way, I believe the sex addiction clinic is the next waterfall over from the exhaustion clinic. The talking deer along the mossy path will lead you there.
I also believe that Drew Pinsky is on the board of each. He'll be pitching the reality show soon.